Modern Life Is Rubbish


Because it only happened when I was awake the doctor said it was stress. Which was a bit stressful.

It was ok she said, we could do something about it. As her words hung in the air my mind wandered into a sort of dream sequence where lots of pretty pills were floating around me with soundtrack provided by The Orb. I was the opening credits to Nurse Jackie and about to join the Valley of The Dolls.

I wasn’t afraid, I was about to be normal! We rattle as a society. Everyone seems to have a little bottle of something for their joints or their moods or their heart, or some dodgy unregulated pill from the internet that guarantees to drop you a stone in a fortnight, but only manages to drop the contents of your stomach unexpectedly. On the way to work.

I waited for the illegible script. Maybe she’d give me one of those special blue ones that I’ve ‘heard’ are great at counteracting that Sunday fear after a clatter of wine. Maybe my modern life stress was going to be cured at the expense of my vital skills, like my ability to scan the shelves for the biscuits on offer at breakneck speed or to know the exact length of time you can get away with shoving the washing from machine to tumble without them smelling mildewy. Nope, she suggested Rescue Remedy.

As the young, non-stressed types would say, WTF. Where was my bloops! Instead I was being given the medical equivalent of a bouquet garni diluted with equal parts water and Dettol. She asked how I tended to manage my anxiety normally, and did point out that while half a bottle of Chardonnay and a Morse box set would indeed do the trick, it wasn’t really practical for a working environment.

In the end we agreed to watch it for a month and I would try very hard not to worry that a lack of pak choi in Tesco would prove detrimental to my health and personal relationships or any number of equally toot things that generally keep my mind going most of the time, I’m sure just like yourself.

I didn’t buy the rescue remedy, but the off license is pleased to report a slight rise in Chardonnay sales. Cheers!


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